Happy and Healthy

Hiiiii all my amazing blog friends!  I know I’ve been MIA for almost a month now but I have missed you all terribly!  I took an accidental-on-purpose blogging hiatus for a really good reason, I promise!

You see, when I started this blog, I was, suffice to say, a mess.  I was deep in the throes of one of my darkest patches of depression.  When I read some of my earliest posts, I see how lost and confused I felt, just six months ago.  I had no clear direction in life, no sense of self or purpose.  And my goodness I was fucked up.  I’ve struggled with depression most of my life, clear back to elementary school, where I was bullied for my appearance and therefore obviously attributed how bad I felt to how I was treated by the people around me.  In junior high school, I clearly recall exhibiting suicidal behavior, which interests me to this day because the one thing I’ve never had is the compulsion to actually die, but rather this intense desire to be someone other than who I am, someone happier and more adjusted.  I never thought there was anything I was capable of doing to change myself, and for many reasons, therapy was an unacceptable option for me (although I fully support it if it works for you!), and I spent a lot of time hoping it would just “go away.”

At the worst of it, there were days at a time I would just lay in bed, doing nothing.  The things I used to love – reading, music, food, my friends – didn’t interest me anymore.  Social situations made me extraordinarily anxious, my schoolwork slipped dramatically, and I cut off nearly everyone in my life because it just seemed easier.  I’ve dipped in and out of this anti-social behavior for years now, and finally I got fed up with it.

I’ve been a blog reader for a while now.  When I became exposed to the world of raw foodism (through blogs like Green and Crunchy, Kristen’s Raw, and Choosing Raw), I was particularly struck by the direct connection between the food you eat and the way your body responds.  I’d never been taught very much about nutrients or a balanced diet.  At the age of twelve I decided I wanted to be a vegetarian, but I had very little support at home, especially when my stepfather began the Atkin’s Diet, which meant that basically he and I would eat completely opposite meals, and when it came to preparing food for the family, obviously my mother cooked for the person who made the money, not for the temperamental teenager, so I tended to fend for myself.  I never ate breakfast, I was a carbzilla and inhaled sugar, breads, cereals, and pasta like it was going out of style without ever touching a vegetable.  For many years, this worked out well, because I had a fast metabolism, and I stayed quite thin.  But in college, like most of the rest of the world, I started to gain weight, especially when I lived on my own, because I absolutely did not eat right.  Most days were a plethora of chocolate, cheese, and cereal, until I realized how horrible these things made me feel.  I decided that there HAD to be a connection between what I ate and how depressed, lethargic, unmotivated, and tired I was all the time, and I decided to change that, using this blog.

For those of you who have been with me, you’ve actually witnessed the beginning of my healthy changes.  I started eating breakfast, because of this blog.  I started eating salads, because of this blog.  I feel better, because of this blog.  Because of all of you who have read my blog and supported me.  Because before, I felt like I had no one to talk to and nowhere to let all these things out.  To be honest, it wasn’t until I started writing here and getting feedback from others that I realized I had a problem that could actually be fixed.  And truthfully, that’s why I took a blogging hiatus.  I needed to know that these healthy habits I’d been building were real, not just fodder for me to write so I can hear myself talk.

And guess what?  These changes are real.  I feel happier and healthier and more motivated every single day.  I’ve decided that in the fall, I will return to school to begin a new course of study: I am going to pursue my Master’s degree in nutrition.  I hope to complete my Pilates certification over the summer so I can be teaching by the time I begin my nutrition studies in the fall.  I feel like I have direction.  Every time I tell my friends what I’m planning to do, they all exclaim, “That’s perfect!  That’s so you!”  I didn’t even know it, but now it feels so right I can’t possibly look back.

And with that, I’m happy to announce… I’m moving!  Blogs, that is.  I’m starting afresh, reclaiming my real name, Ilana, and relocating to a place that is happier and healthier and ready to go.

So, I hope you all follow me over to my brand new blog, Happy Healthy Hottie!  Because, I’m hot, healthy, and happy, and getting moreso every single day, and want to connect with other happy healthy hotties like yourselves!

Thank you all so much for all your support and your friendship.  I’m honored and privileged to know all of you, and I hope our relationships continue to flourish and grow.

(And those of you who have been so kind as to add me to your blog roll or your feed readers, please update your links so you can stay updated with me!!)

Love always,

Ilana

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