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pityparty

December 31, 2009
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I’ve never made serious New Years resolutions before.  To be honest, I didn’t know people actually did make serious New Years resolutions.  To me, it’s always seemed highly contrived and ingenuine, like, Oh, It’s a New Year!  Time for me to say I’m going to do something differently this time! But then no one actually follows through and it’s something to laugh about once or twice in a conversation about other people’s “failed” resolutions.  Why do you have to wait for the New Year to change your life?  Why not start now?  I feel like waiting for the new year implies you aren’t really serious about the new changes you want to make in your life.

In 2006, I made a resolution to journal every single day for a year.  I didn’t buy my journal until January 2nd, and my entries stop for good on February 12.  Obviously, this wasn’t something I was serious about.

This year I’m singing a different tune.  As I start this new year of my life, I am literally facing a void.  A blank space.  I have absolutely no idea where my life is headed.  So much seems in limbo.  So much seems at risk.  It’s really frightening.  I am at this point where I need to figure out what this is, this life I am living.  I’ve pursued so many different tracks in my life that I can turn in a whole bunch of different directions but I feel frozen and somehow like things will fly out of control at any minute if I make the wrong move.  I feel like I do not have control of my destiny because I am paralyzed.

This is reflecting itself in my diet.  I can see it.  Seriously, my dietary habits read as a nutritionist’s cautionary tale, word-for-word.  There are days when my eating is totally out of control and I don’t feel like I am capable of stopping myself from eating anything.  Other times, I won’t eat for days at a time.  Most of the time, I try to restrict what I eat and it ends up flying out of ocntrol and I end up binge eating late at night.  And oh, the sugar, and oh, the caffeine.  And I honestly don’t remember the last time I had a salad.

And I just don’t feel right.  I’m not okay with it anymore.  I need to regain control of my life, and if I am in control of my body and my health, I will be more apt to make healthy and positive decisions about my life.  I’m tired of hurting myself in this way and it’s time for me to fix it.  I just feel so lost sometimes.

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